Here’s guest blogger Dorothy Ann Skarles with a post on bereavement.
Memory and Tears
The question asked today in the bereavement group is to encourage talking. The moderator does not want anyone to keep their feelings hidden within themselves. Saying, ‘I’m fine’ when you are not, is taking a risk of coming down with a serious illness. The need to be with others, talking about a loved one, is the fastest way to a healthy recovery.
“The tears that come, are for healing,” says our leader. She looks at the faces in the room and spots me. “Dorothy, how was your week? What did you do?”
I mentally straighten by backbone and say, “I can’t stop crying. The dog, that my husband and grandson rescued, jumps on the bed, and I start to cry. I put on these gold earrings, my husband gave me, and I start to cry. I never know when a thought or something will hit to make me feel so sad my eyes fill with tears.”
Another woman says, “I’ve been a widow for almost five years, and I still cry. Anything can bring it on. Sometimes I look in the mirror at myself and feel sad. I have the impression I’m now living in a box all by myself without a man, alone without my husband and I cry.”
“Well, I’m a man, and I cry,” another bereavement group member says. “Sometimes even at work when I think Debbie should be bring my lunch. The guys tell me to toughen up, a man doesn’t cry.” He shakes his head. “They don’t understand.”
As I listen, I know I am not alone, and I can relate to the stories of others. At the ending of my second year without my husband, I am beginning to believe mourning is as swift and unexpected as some memories. They arise together from left field as I once again recall my husband’s words to my grandson four years ago about the abused dog he found. “Put the dog in the backyard. Your grandmother needs a dog.”
The combination of those words, and remembering how sweet and kind my husband was to the animals he knew I cared for, instantly brings more mourning tears rolling down my cheeks. I am hoping for the healing process to begin as I write.
daskarles©2011
Thank you, Dorothy.
I can't relate to your grieving nor do I even want to begin to imagine what life would be like without my very special significant other. Yesterday I learned the news of a good friend's dad passing away, which means her mother is at the begin stage of where you were a few years ago, Dorothy. Is there anything I can offer to my friend to pass on to her mother during this?
God bless you!
Keep writing D, it does help to express those feelings and find others who understand. My friend has been a widow for 5yrs, and still cries. Like you a memory finds you, and the tears come. I lost my mother 4yrs ago, and with my family shifting and changing into something I don't recognize, I find myself crying at a funny memory. I don't know if it ever really leaves us.
Like the last commenter, I lost my mother four years ago, and still find myself crying when memories surface. My dad lived a couple of years longer than Mom, but he had dementia and didn't even realize she was gone. Therefore, my siblings and I went through most of our grieving about Dad before he died. We loved him, and were there for him, but we had already lost the person we used to know. I still cry for both of my parents, even though I'm grateful for having had them as long as I did. Last night, I found myself crying about my sister-in-law's mother (who died shortly before our mother) because we were watching a TV show about her home country. We never know how, when, or why grief will hit us, but the one thing we shouldn't do is deny it.
Dear Cathy, call your friends mother and ask her to lunch. If she can't go follow through by setting a date. Like me she probably just needs to get out and talk to someone. The first year, you are so lonely, and talking helps. It is why bereavement groups are so good. It makes you get up, get dressed and get out of the house to be with people. Also tell your friend to call her mom a lot to check up on her. I really appreciated that from my son. For a while I thought I would go to sleep and not wake up like my husband. Knowing my son would call and I could count on him helped greatly.
Dear La and Kay, It seems so odd to me that years go by and you read or see something that brings back a memory of a loved one and you cry. The bereavement group also tells you this. I guess you really never get over it, but I do know the pain lessens I am just not sure how many years it takes.
Dorothy, I have lost two very dear friends, and as you say, memories associated with them evoke tears. But through the tears, the memories remain alive. Thanks for helping by sharing 'the tears'. bernadine
Tears are healing for those who have lost someone they love. Everytime I cry I feel as if I am moving forward in my life in the tinest increments. Good Article Dorothy
The feelings are real, I can remember losing my dad, and I was like a faucet, off and on. It took a while for the tears to stop, but the feelings are still there and fresh at times still even after 24yrs.
Dear Self, I guess and hope that pain gets less, but I do know that tears may also be less, but still I cry as a memory comes to me. My son was killed in 1980 and I write this and cry. I cannot help myself. However, I can say it has gotten better. So hang in there and I will do the same. Thanks for writing.
Thanks Judy for your comment. It truly helps when someone answers and I am not alone with my thoughts. May you move forward in your life fast.
Bernadine, thanks for writing your many comments and for understanding my loss. I hope I have helped you as you have helped me.