Bereavement
Today, I am blogging on my widowhood, and trying to get myself in gear so I can begin to write again and follow the advice I give to memoir writers. “Write about your feelings. It helps.”
It is said by many that “Life goes on.”
But do they realize that death is also in life?
Death renders itself in shock, disbelief, bitterness, self-reproach, worry, regret, grief, tears, and heartbreak. After years of a happy marriage, this is where my feelings now dwell. A Christmas morning death from a heart attack was an end and a new beginning for me.
The passing of twelve months. And then. That first Christmas. A great holiday escape from sadness and pain. A visit to my husband’s relatives, whom I loved, would help to make everything all right and the sharp edge of suffering go away.
Trouble was, without knowing it, I had packed a pile of despair and grief into the suitcase to take with me.The happy smiling faces and good cheer that surrounded me in the holiday only underscored the reality that I couldn’t run away from my new marital status and my complete feeling of abandonment.
Now, one year later, the second year of my Christmas hurtle has arrived. But this time, I am staying home to face my fears. It may look like I want to die, but what’s really me wants to live.
As I go through the rooms of the house, I feel love and comfort.
It is the one thing that helps me live.
I have never taken down the Christmas decorations my husband put up. They are all so beautiful, it actually makes me feel good.
Oh, the instant tears still come, just like now as I write. And I never know when I’ll feel bad, or sad.
But I know love surrounds me in those poinsettias, red bows, teddy bears, and the Santa standing by the fireplace with a cheery smile. It helps me remember the happy times with family, food, and laughter.
My learning to live as a widow is slow.
About six months ago, I went to a bereavement group. Both the men and women, I noticed, were in the same boat. They talked about their loved ones, how hard it is to cook and eat alone, problems in sleeping, or family members who don’t seem to come over as often.
The group is now a source of great strength for me. Each of us has gone through the same things, and it helps to know that no one is alone to face the future. The many problems may differ, but surprisingly, they are all the same.
So world, bring on this new beginning.
The past is past, and year three is right around the corner.
Still, it makes me wonder how others who have lost a loved one make it.
Are there any answers?
Thanks, Dorothy
I try to put myself in the emotion when I write those scenes or I'll talk to friends who've gone through something. I hope and pray your Christmas holiday will be filled with love.
Thank you Tony for your kind wish. It sure is the pits that a wonderful holiday has to bring such sadness. I do thank God for my family and friends and the new friends I make.
Dorothy, you know I'm always there for you. The bereavement topic is something everyone can relate to and each of us has our own personal story – I think by you taking the step to 'open your heart' exposing the positives and negatives, will help others express themelves in a cathertic way through words. bernadine
I hope my experiences will help others to know that they are not alone. I never thought a bereavement group would help when I lost a son, and never went to one. But now, I am so glad that I took a friends advice to try a group that was close to me. It truly does help.
Dorothy,
This is so beautifully written. I can totally relate to your post. I lost my dad one week before Christmas in 1983. My mom lost her husband of 31 years. Even now it is a difficult time to get through as I remember that last Christmas. We never took down the decorations–didn't unwrap the gifts he had bought us. I do believe writing and talking about it will help with your breakthrough. I can at least smile sometimes when I think about my dad.
Thank you Beverly for taking the time to read my post. Each death seems to hit in different ways. One woman in bereavement lost a young grandson she took care of, and thought he would out last her. I do know that time as it goes by, does heal, but the date of a sad Christmas stays on the calendar forever. And like you, I am waiting to smile.
Dorothy, those first months, I kept thinking you reminded me of a deer in head lights. I think the group has helped you so much. Recently I inherited a box of my mother's pictures. She's been gone four years, but organizing the pictures and seeing all the family memories, brings on a funny sort of joyous grief, of memories and good time. I still cry..
Lee, the first three months, you don't even realize you're in shock. Friends like you and Margaret helped a lot. You kept me going. Now I just try to take one day at a time. Thanks for being there for me.
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I saw your blog. You are doing a nice job. I also liked the song. Keep writing.
I read with interest, Dorothy's blog about dealing with her new status, widow.
She captured all the feelings she is experiencing in the sudden loss of Jim, her husband.
It brought tears to my eyes to read about a long happy marriage coming to a close.
Darlyene thanks for the kind words. I am not sure when all the pain goes way, but friends all say it takes time, and I am waiting for that time.
It is said that, “time heals all wounds,” but as you near that anniversary date, one will always wonder if anyone actually believes that statement. Regardless of how much time was spent with a love one, the time will always seem to have been cut short upon their death. Your family and friends will help to comfort you, which is, a beautiful thing, but it’s the time we spend by ourselves, driving, walking thru a store, watching TV and the anxieties we feel as we wait for the upcoming holidays to arrive, that we truly feel that we are all alone. We will remember how much was lost and the unstoppable feelings will seem to relentlessly pour from our hearts like a stuffed up toilet. Life is a journey, its just that this one was not the journey you chose to make however; it is journey you will do it. Take very small steps. And falling down is a part if trip.
Yes, I don't know if I believe that 'time' heals, but I am hoping it does. It was nice of you to write such an up lifting sentiment.
Dorothy I just read the artical, it was very touching…and yes we all have to travel that road sometime or another…I have known you for awhile and YES it is diffently hurts and then one goes into shock, such as myself which didn't end for at least 6 months or more, I woke up one morning saying My John will not be here anymore…I do have many, many, memories and happy times..You will always remember but now we need to think about ourselves not in the light of what I am speaking, taking care of ourselves and learning to be alone and that is not easy…Thank You Dorothy for sharing your grief and you will move right along…I love you and know exactly what you are going through…You have so many friends…one being myself…and I think of you often…Keep writing and be very happy with yourself…